This week, I decided to go the whole hog. I have a generally-dodgy stomach, courtesy of my father who also gave me wild hair and bunions (didn’t I do well?) so I decided to quit dairy having heard wonders about it.

Dairy, of course, includes caffeine.

It also includes chocolate. But not eggs, I learnt.

Me: Eggs so are dairy.

Mike: [smiling. Probably because he knew what was coming] No, they’re not.

Me: But they come from co-.

Mike: There it is.

Day one saw me eating a baked potato – no butter, cheese or anything interesting – with tuna. It was so dry, I couldn’t chew it. Incidentally this reminds of a meat-eating-at-Mike’s-house story I must tell you all about at some point – do remind me if I forget.

It did get better though. I have rediscovered pasta and Dolmio. And also vegetables. I have been snacking on muesli bars, Parma Violets and Skittles. Soy milk is quite nice. As are soy yoghurts and, also, my healthy fruit of choice, glacé cherries.

The fact that I’m not giving up caffeine directly has had a good psychological effect on me. Because I am giving up dairy, I can choose to have coffee with soy milk. The fact that this makes it taste like aeroplane coffee with a SKIN ON TOP makes me not want coffee. This choice is better than army-like ban on coffee, therefore no headaches so far (which does rather worryingly make me feel I imagined them). I haven’t even had hot juice. Having a perpetual cold has made Lemsip soothers (for warm bellies on cold nights) my drink of choice.

So by this weekend I was feeling rather healthy. No dairy for a week. No coffee. Only one minor Thorntons slip.

This morning I made myself my Lemsip even though my cold symptoms had long gone. Must be habit, I thought, idly reading the box.

Contains caffeine.

Oh, bollocks.