“Don’t take the piss,” I say, standing in our hall with my coat wrapped tightly around me.
“Oh, I can’t promise that,” MindReader says, leaning down to stroke Benny who, since I have been out for ten whole minutes, would very much like to be picked up.
“Okay,” I say, taking a deep breath and removing my coat.
“Billygean!” MindReader says, aghast.
“Wait wait wait, there is a bit of an explanation,” I say.
“But – your arms… and your neck! My god!”
“Wait – no – some of it is a guide colour,” I say. “So it goes on darkly so you can see where you’ve put it… and then it washes off. I hope.”
“But…” MindReader says, reaching out and gently moving my chin to the side. “You’ve got white patches too.”
“I know,” I say, hanging my coat up and standing awkwardly in the hall. “I have to wear that cream dress tomorrow and I look so weird in it with no tan.”
“I thought it was fancy dress?” MindReader says.
I wave a hand. “It was, and then we couldn’t be bothered.”
“Well,” MindReader says, his mouth twitching. “It is now. You can go as an oompa loompa.” He mimes texting a colleague of mine. “Colleague,” he says. “We’re now going as oompa loompas.”
I cannot help giggling a little bit. “I couldn’t find my usual… So I used this stuff that goes streaky. Dunno why.”
“Where did you get it?”
“From one of my blog readers,” I say.
“Who?”
“Um, Kittyb2113…” I say, as MindReader rolls his eyes. “It was a gift!”
“Oh Billygean,” MindReader says, tracing the brown tidemark that divides my orange neck from my white face. “What’re you going to do?”
“Fill in the white bits on my second application,” I say.
“I don’t think you should put more on. It’ll get worse!”
“Browner. It’ll get browner.”
“Right. And then?”
“Well. Look mental, probably. And smell a bit funny.”
“And smell a bit funny,” MindReader says.
—
PS. This is my painting, by popular demand (8 emails. Um!). You’re WELCOME.
The jokes about the colour of the ‘sunset’ and the colour of my neck, they write themselves.
It’s a lovely painting! So….orange.
Um…oops! XX