I poke Stranger in the ribs. We are both at a wedding.
“So,” I say, “how do you deal with the possibility that it can come back?”
Stranger doesn’t miss a beat, for this appears to be what we do. “A very good question,” he says, sipping something that smells like alcoholic licorice.
“You know, at first, I lived in abject fear of every sniffle – people with colds were exiled and I washed everything I cooked with obsessively. My parents thought I had a serious mental disorder…which at the time, I think I did,” he smirks.
I smile, remembering washing my hands in the college bathrooms after my friend sneezed. It seemed logical, at the time, to then wash the doorhandles of our flat too, until MindReader sat me down.
“I think,” Stranger continues, “I started to try and not think of myself as a person with an illness, tried to stop taking about CFS and rejected those thoughts that seemed to try to confirm that I couldn’t do things. This took about three months. I read somewhere that although sharing is sometimes good, for many people constantly reliving all those bad experiences isn’t. Its been so long I cant really explain much, its like asking a person who’s been running for 10 years how they run, they’d probably say they just get on with putting one foot in front of the other, right?”
He pauses. And then says “I’m not afraid of it coming back any more because I live with the results of it.”
I catch my breath. Sometimes, fatigue is all I think about, even though I am technically better. Unexpected days where I cannot do anything wait in the wings, and the constant monitoring of my body makes me wonder that, although I’m better physically, perhaps there is a mental recovery that needs to happen, too.
And even though i know exactly what he means, and even though I am stood on some wooden decking, glass of wine in hand and high heels on, I confess I have no idea where to start.
First off, you look very pretty in that above picture, so good work on that.
Secondly, I can’t imagine that you *wouldn’t* have some sort of mental recovery needed after something as trying and complicated as going through all of last year. I think you’re working through it very well as you convince your mind with every passing day that you’re stronger than you think, you’re above what happened, and your future is still very bright and promising. It takes a lot to convince ourselves of potential in the world on a GOOD day, so the fact you’re working upstream on this one, so to speak…well, that’s a very good sign, I think.
Thank you Tarsi.
The problem is, I suppose, that sometimes with a passing day the negative thoughts are reinforced. For example if I get a flu, or for sometimes no reason I feel awful if I try to do anything. And then the days following that are spent waiting for the enxt one, even if it is four months away…
BG
EEEE!!! That outfit looks great on you! What shoes did you wear in the end?
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