Welcome to the NHS

billygean ♦ April 22, 2008 ♦ 3 Comments

“Do you think you could be depressed?”

I stare at the Doctor. “Definitely,” I say, without missing a beat. “You try not leaving the house since January.”

“No, no,” he says. “Do you think you don’t want to get up because you are depressed?”

I drum my fingers on the table. “I have a temperature and a sore throat. I feel dizzy whenever I sit up. I actively fantasise about going to the supermarket. And now I’m seeing you, because I’m so desperate to sort this out. What do you think?”

The Doctor stares at me. “I need a yes or a no,” he says, and I recall all the times I’d uttered that phrase – was it possible you incorrectly identified the defendant? Is it therefore possible you made a mistake?

“No.”

“I see,” he says. “Have you tried an antidepressant?”

I huff impatiently. “No, because I don’t think any drug could take my attention away from the fact that I’m housebound. And quite frankly I’d be afraid if it could.”

“Why?”

“I am not depressed,” I say. “If I were, I would admit it. I am physically ill.”

“You could maybe try St John’s Wort, a herbal antidepressant.”

I ball my hands into fists. DoctorSister warned me doctors may do this, but I didn’t realise somebody could be so far off the mark.

“That interferes with the contraceptive pill I’m on,” I say.

“So?”

I take a deep breath. And decide to embarrass him. “What would depress me more than glandular fever,” I say, “would be to take something that ensured I couldn’t have regular sex with my boyfriend. Especially if the reason I was taking it was, irony, to cheer me up.”

He blushes. “You’re still having sex?”

“Yes,” I say smiling. I wouldn’t say I’m exactly great in the sack, I think, being able to do nothing except lie down. But MindReader and I don’t mind.

“Probably we’ll start looking at factors other than depression then,” he says. “You don’t sound depressed.”

I smile. “I know,” I say.