My more long-term readers may remember that when i was in hospital, doctor-sister had to hide the bigger tablets in Kinder beaunos so I would swallow them.
I don’t know what it is. I know that if they’re too big they won’t go into my lungs. I know that I regularly swallow, well, meals, but for some reason I cannot do it.
Today in Boots I decided to buy some IBS relief. Mostly because I have every symptom. Also because, following a mild panic attack in the Next Sale, I really needed some chocolate – so why not eat dairy and then treat the spasms with drugs? Hmm?
“Do you have medically confirmed IBS?” The lady at the till, whom my Dad said made me look CHUBBY, says.
“Yes,” I say, waving my hand dismissively. Sister is a doctor now. And so is Google.
Twenty minutes later, the TEN PENCE SIZED PILL is on the breadboard and I am standing with a half-empty (indeed) glass of water.
“There is no point staring at the pill and sipping the water,” my Dad says, smirking as he fills the kettle.
“Oh my God,” I say, pacing. “Just do it.”
I stare at the pill. It gets bigger. “Just fucking do it.”
“I am having a tantrum,” I say, slamming my hand down on the breadboard. I take another sip of water.
“Take a gulp of water,” my Dad says.
I nod, my cheeks puffed out with water.
“Now swallow it all in one go.”
I do so.
“See how much bigger that volume was than the tablet?”
“YES I do,” I spit. “I KNOW this is irrational but I PHYSICALLY CAN’T DO IT.”
“Can you swallow a grape whole?” my Dad says.
“No.”
“How about an orange?”
“No.”
“Best off sticking it up your arse and be done with,” he says, wandering out of the room.
Slowly, I put the tablet on my tongue.
And then I freak out and take it off again.
I put it on again. It’s quite shiny and sugary. I take a drink. I can feel it rattling around.
Suddenly I swallow. And it’s gone. It’s not in my mouth!
I wander into the living room and triumphantly display my empty mouth to my Dad who is reading the instructions.
“Excellent,” he says. “Now all we’ve got to do is wait for the allergic reactions.”
